The Sin Of Greed

True shit with other people has been bugging me lately, but..

There only three people that I consider to be family in the truest sense. One is Aleia, second is Heem and third is someone that’s dealing with some heavy shit at the moment. So regardless of whatever I say about staying distant from people, those three are never included in that. I realize I’ve made two posts so far alluding to this, but it’s fucking with me bad. The writing flood gates are open. This is messing with me more than the first time my mother turned on me. I’m over-analyzing everything trying to see how I fucked up.

Last time we talked, the anger/annoyance/hurt was so palpable that I didn’t think even mentioning Heem would have alleviated any of it. At first I wondered if it was something I said or if my bad mood for the past few days rubbed off on them and exasperated whatever shit they were going through. In the end, I wasn’t considering a previous conversation about private space issues and asked why they were being distant. Like I said in a previous post, especially true for people I consider to be that close, my desire/instinct to help and comfort in a way overrides most pre-cautionary rules that have been set. I fail at expressing this accurately, but I don’t want the person to feel like they have to deal with shit alone all the time. I don’t have those boundaries and I don’t want to close up to the person so I express it, but at the same time I don’t want to feel like I’m unloading all my shit on them and they’re left to deal with all their shit..alone. Been there and it can be a lonely feeling sometimes.

Perhaps wording could have been better in my message that started this mess. I don’t know. I realize to some extent that these feelings for someone that I have not met are pretty illogical. I mean, I place them on the same pedestal as A[redacted], someone I’ve known for a very long time and I love her in the truest sense of the word. I would die for the woman; we’ve been through quite a bit together. I’ve come to realize that I love those two people like I haven’t anyone else. It’s the type of feeling where you don’t particularly care what type of relationship they want from you, you’re just happy to know them and know they appreciate you for existing.

I just…needed to express that. Don’t feel any better for it since it won’t undo the past, but at least the words aren’t ringing through my brain and perhaps I can finally sleep.