Resolutions April 12, 2011, 10:43:57 AM

Just when you think that your life was fucked up, you always meet someone that has had it much worse and are far more productive than you will ever be. Stronger, smarter, more honest, more compassionate, more empathetic, funnier, and more hardworking. While you sit wallowing in your own sweat and starting at the screen of your choice like a zombie, they are out there in the world taking it head on. Stomping challenge after challenge in the face with the vivacity and courage of an 11 year old who just got dared to assault their teacher’s seat with board erasers before class started (true story, it was hilarious because the entire class ended up being in on it). Some clarifications are in order. When I say “you” I mean me and when I say “someone” I mean my dearest friend in Texas. Actually, “someone” could mean just about anyone that actually has the courage to walk out their front door and confront the world.

What have I done, I wonder. What lives have I touched or affected for the better. I used to dream of using my words as sharpened blades to cut down the lies that assault people everyday. I dreamed of revealing every intimate detail of myself in mixed media abstract creations that would make the shallow scratch their heads in confusion. I wanted to create things that would touch people’s hearts. Move them. Reach deep down and help me discover the definition of the ever elusive “human element” in an internal journey that would rival The Odyssey and the Egyptian Book of The Dead combined. I rebelled against my family for this dream. I ran away from home several times for it, but what have I done since then to attain it? Instead I got stuck in a shitty relationship and ended up having a child that I did not initially want. I hate that despite leaving my family’s clutches, I have inevitably fulfilled their highest hopes for me. To be house-ridden with a child and fucking miserable.

I hate that I am somehow a distorted and warped mirror image of my mother. Leaving my dreams and passion behind to do what’s “right.” That I actually stood up for someone that caused me physical and emotional pain in the best “interest” of my child. Becoming her is one of the things that I fear the most in life, aside from being eaten alive. It gives me nightmares.

What would make this all worth-while is if someone actually read the shit that I wrote and said “wow, this truly MOVED me” or “wow, this made me THINK.” Something that goes beyond being impressed by word usage or interesting imagery. Just once, on any of my shit, I would’ve liked constructive criticism to show me that someone actually cares if I got better or not. That was one thing that my family never did because they simple didn’t care if I improved. I just want to know if anything, and I mean anything, has truly moved anyone to such a significant degree to prompt some sort of response. Anything. Just anything to make me feel like I’m not shouting into the wind naked while taking pictures that I will only see plastered on my wall like band posters.

Maybe there is one integral point that I am missing. Maybe my work is too self-absorbed. Maybe I simply don’t have the skill to move people like I want. Maybe I don’t have enough “soul.”

But you know what. Fuck all that. I’m going to keep trying until the day I die, kid or no kid, to be able to shake someone to their core. I am also going to step out of this fucking house and start walking again while rocking out to shit on my iPod.

The journey starts tomorrow.

5 thoughts on “Resolutions April 12, 2011, 10:43:57 AM

    on said:

    ElDorko: April 12, 2011, 11:46:11 AM

    Tomorrow? That sounds like me..procrastination is the safest way to get into a spiral of self-loathing and defeat. From where I stand, I don’t really see you as the procrastinating type. You’ve been writing a lot, which is a very necessary part of writing better…so, keep it up, you’re doing fine! Also, don’t regret choices you made for the right reasons, but don’t forget the commitment made by making that choice. If you want to escape “becoming” your mother, remember to be encouraging to your child so they don’t feel you want them to fail. Interestingly enough, all this is advice I needed to hear as well…so…let’s get centered, figure out what the hell we want to accomplish in our lives and friggin’ do it!

    on said:

    Khaled D: April 12, 2011, 02:04:12 PM

    There are so many moments where i look at the choices i made and regret how it could have gone. But then i came up with this belief that reality is pragmatic, there is no right or wrong choice. Every choice leads to a strength and a weakness, everything you do adds to something and takes from something. The real power is commitment, and it seems to me your not short of that at all.

    on said:

    April 12, 2011, 03:00:41 PM

    You guys are…amazing. I am very touched that you made the effort to comment and I appreciate it so much. I didn’t expect it at all. I feel honored to have come into contact with such exceptional individuals in the past month.

    Khaled, those are very wise words and a much less self-punishing view of reality. Viewing the world in that context might unburden my mind from some of the left-over religious conditioning that I was subject to over the years. Commitment, well the power of your words have given me more motivation than ever. I am humbled by your comment alone.

    Dorko!! Thank you for the pep talk! Tomorrow because I’m rather sleep deprived at the moment. I am determined to get a normal sleeping pattern. Indeed, in regard to my child, I want to be a good example for him. I want him to be someone he can be proud of. To show him that he should never give up on his passion or dreams.

    on said:

    Epiphanie: April 12, 2011, 07:01:35 PM

    I think you know that being nice to yourself is the best way to go… no-one’s perfect, and you’re doing your best. You are aiming high, and that’s great. You are an entirely different person from your mother – you couldn’t be her if you tried. Have you ever tried meditating? It can help.

    May I suggest finding another main picture for your blog? Fear and hiding doesn’t have to be a big theme in your life, and the more you get out there and realise that it’s OK to be in the world, the less you will relate to it. So if you start with more positive identifiers now, you’re already a step ahead.

    I wish you all the best in the journey you have already started to take…

      on said:

      April 13, 2011, 10:09:19 PM

      Epiphanie, thank you for responding. As for the main image, I can see how that would inspire that impression, but it’s from a comic book that helped me grow a lot as a teenager. I really appreciate the man’s artwork so I wanted to use it on my site in some way. It’s a two part image, the one on the bottom where she removes the mask and reveals her hidden scars to the world, unafraid. Supposed to play a duality in my mind.

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