Lies January 28, 2010, 05:29:12 AM

Lies.

All we do is lie. Mother contacted me once more with a somewhat brief, but civil question.

She asked about me and H[redacted] well-being. I find myself hoping for further interaction with her. I do not know what it is lately, but I find myself missing my siblings. I find myself missing talks with her.

I find myself wondering why it does not actively bother me.

I have finally cleansed myself of T[redacted] who did not see me for the person I was. He was guilty of what he accused me of doing three years ago. He saw me for what he wanted to see. This became apparent when he said metal did not fit me. Then fumbled trying to justify that. His judgmental nature annoyed me as well. I do not care what traumatized him or bothered him in regards to what other women did. I do not care if he sees women as largely whorish and stupid. If his views are extended to the majority of women in that fashion, then that means that they would extend to myself in that fashion. Someone like that you need to watch what you say or do around them. That is the only reason why I care to even mention that. He saw me as different from that so when I skittered over to the “danger zone” he became angry and militant. What he called being “worried.”

Always tip-toeing. Afraid of being judged. Like the case with my mother.

Am I wrong in what I do? Am I wrong to want to taste what I have wanted for a long time? Whether it’s a damned tattoo or to just try different things that I have not tried before. I feel like I’m always tied down by the wishes and desires of others. The judgment they impose on me and my fear of being rejected binds me to them. It chains me to a world where I cage my thoughts and I express myself rarely.

Am I a whore? Am I stupid? Am I weird? Crazy? Why the fuck do I care?

J[redacted] saw relationships as exchanges. He felt that he gave me motivation to finish school and that I gave him nothing in return. I gave him myself as a person. Something he acknowledged but did not fully appreciate. Obviously. Me as a person was not something that he wanted. He wanted a reason to live and I was not enough. Finally had “the talk” during another drunken night of his. He made it painfully apparent that night that I was not enough for him; so I cut him off except for two emails that I sent him afterwards. It was my way of crying over it I guess. My pathetic way of going about it because that let him know I was feeling it. It would have been better if I wrote sad poems and cried alone in a corner somewhere. But I did not actually cry. I missed talking to him and I felt sad when my mind wandered during my walks. I listened to Jack Off Jill – Cockroach Waltz for several weeks as tribute. Couldn’t sleep without listening to that song. Scoured the net for it and emailed it to him before making it a dedication.

Part of me has always been scared of being alone. That is one reason why I hold on to destructive relationships. And I mean alone in any sense of the word. Books are not enough to occupy my mind because I know that I will finish reading them eventually. Afterwards, they become fond memories like friends that are no longer around. Like A[redacted]. Like the several friends I have had but no longer see due to circumstances. You can reread the book. Just like you can review your fondest times with someone in your mind, but you always know what will happen next. It’s nothing new. A book can not replace the excitement of actually doing things in the world. Just as memories can not replace actual interaction with the person that is their subject.

This site is meant to save me from that.

I have been speaking with B[redacted] a lot. I do not want to make the mistakes that I have repetitively made in the past with people off and on the net. I am trying hard to stop that from happening. I am trying to be as honest and open as I can. When he does not prompt me for answers on a topic that I know needs elaboration, I do it voluntarily. All the above are things I have had trouble doing in the past. I feel that my thoughts are inadequate to express or are not of much consequence. He has nervous tendencies and is about as enclosed as I am (or was), but he still expresses himself. Openly. Even if it is anonymously on the web, it’s something that I wouldn’t dare do even as a shadow.

I guess that’s what inspired me to make this small space. How he shares his creative works with me with almost no hesitation is something that I enjoy very much. It makes me want to be able to do the same with him. So I am. I am drawing again. I am writing again. My depression hits me now and then, but it doesn’t baffle him.

I understand him, but I don’t.

He has been busy today. Doing homework or something like that. He mentioned a lot of homework and finals being near. Sleep finally comes to me and I hope that it comes to him soon. Perhaps it did and he left Trillian running. Not like him though.

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4 thoughts on “Lies January 28, 2010, 05:29:12 AM”

    saturnword
    on said:

    blahr: January 28, 2010, 08:26:34 AM

    I’m just going to comment on the part regarding me:

    I have finally cleansed myself of Travis who did not see me for the person I was. He was guilty of what he accused me of doing three years ago. He saw me for what he wanted to see. This became apparent when he said metal did not fit me. Then fumbled trying to justify that. His judgmental nature annoyed me as well. I do not care what traumatized him or bothered him in regards to what other women did. I do not care if he sees women as largely whorish and stupid. If his views are extended to the majority of women in that fashion, then that means that they would extend to myself in that fashion. Someone like that you need to watch what you say or do around them. That is the only reason why I care to even mention that. He saw me as different from that so when I skittered over to the “danger zone” he became angry and militant. What he called being “worried.”

    Always tip-toeing. Afraid of being judged. Like the case with my mother.

    Am I wrong in what I do? Am I wrong to want to taste what I have wanted for a long time? Whether it’s a damned tattoo or to just try different things that I have not tried before. I feel like I’m always tied down by the wishes and desires of others. The judgment they impose on me and my fear of being rejected binds me to them. It chains me to a world where I cage my thoughts and I express myself rarely.

    Am I a whore? Am I stupid? Am I weird? Crazy? Why the fuck do I care?

    I don’t feel that I was judgmental or “militant”. You didn’t talk, so I couldn’t understand. That’s the “danger zone” deal. I do not see all women as whores and stupid. I said that I’ve known many women in similar circumstances to become self-destructive and some became “whorish”. More or less, they used men until they ended up feeling used themselves. I’ve known men to do and feel the same, but I’ve known it to be far more detrimental to some of those women. As far as eating, yes, I was worried about the lack of it you did because of a somewhat traumatic event in my life. I knew someone who stopped eating and died. Unless I didn’t care, why would I not worry about that? I was drunk when I was talking about the metal shit, but more than that, I think I justified that comment already. As I said, I don’t think of JoJ, Adreena, Ra, etc. as metal. I didn’t know that you were into metal and it surprised me. We also seem to have different definitions for what metal is. It’s not my fault I was surprised and didn’t associate you with a particular type of music and you drew on some preconceived notion of judgment instead of talking. It’s stupid. It would be like someone telling me they didn’t think something I’m interested in fit me. It’s not condescending, just something they didn’t know about me. I could talk, or I could assume that they’re putting me down. If I know the person, or talk to them regularly, I’m not going to jump to the conclusion that they’re putting me down because they’re probably not. I see most of this as your own paranoia. If you want to draw conclusions without asking, that’s your problem.

    I find this whole thing quite hypocritical, to be honest. I’m opinionated, of course, but judgmental is pushing it. I didn’t judge you or put you down. I asked questions and you wouldn’t answer, or at least, honestly. I had my questions avoided. It’s ridiculous, you know. There’s no talking to you, Sarah. I couldn’t ask how long you smoked or what kind of cigarettes you smoked. Something that fucking simple. I couldn’t comment on music you listen to or anything about you. I couldn’t voice my concern or worry, with or without prior experiences in my life. I couldn’t give my opinion on anything, either.

    I would prefer if you cleansed me from your life. It was one year ago, actually, and it hasn’t quite been a year. You’re wrong, though. You can resent me, but the fact is, you didn’t want me to know who you were. You didn’t want me to know anything. You can absolve yourself as long as you want. I still want my words removed. I didn’t write a book. I wrote personalized and private messages dealing with my own life. I want them removed from any public spectrum. That’s it. Complete the cleansing process and you won’t hear from me again and I won’t be back. I won’t reply to anything you say about me or otherwise, either, of course. I don’t want to waste my time defending myself and words I sent privately that were meant to stay that way. I don’t want to waste further time trying to get them removed. Honestly, you have no reason at all to have my messages up and deny my request to take them down. Everything you’ve said about why you put them up is indicative of personal reasoning and selfish disregard. That’s where you’re mixed up. You consider other people too much in the things you want for yourself and disregard them entirely when you’re taking something from them or involving them. You don’t want to be judged, but you pass judgment and place other people in a position to be judged. I want your life to have no further consequence upon my own, which is the same you feel, I’m sure. What you want for me is NOT more important than what I want for myself. Maybe you should grasp that concept instead of forcing people into positions that YOU want. Of course, you should be able to understand that point of view. Maybe it only makes a shit if it’s you, though.

    saturnword
    on said:

    blahr: January 28, 2010, 09:16:38 AM

    I should mention that I realize this wasn’t about me, but I felt I needed to respond from my own perspective to the judgments you placed on me yourself. Mostly, I only responded because I’m annoyed by the fact that I have been “cleansed” from your life, yet I’m not allotted the luxury of cleansing my own life from you. It’s not for you to decide to open up my life. It’s not for you to decide anything about my life. I don’t want to draw shit out. How hard is it to consider other people instead of just taking and using what you want from them? I gave you the pieces of your past that I had. It’s your past and it was never for me to share or do what I wanted with. That’s your life. Well, that’s my past and it’s my life. I don’t want it shared and that’s my decision to make.

    Reasoning with you doesn’t seem to go very well, but I guess I’m giving it another shot.

      saturnword
      on said:

      January 28, 2010, 05:34:00 PM

      You asinine moron. I took nothing from you.

      You construct these complex and lengthy constructions of stupidity to grease over your own insecurities and fumblings.

      Someone like you, who has always thought that they are right 24-fucking-7, is the one who can’t be reasoned with. If I am wrong then I am fucking wrong. I don’t sit there and construct an entire college thesis to escape the possibility of being wrong.

      “Oh no. You misunderstand. THIS is what I meant!” Well, if you meant that then why didn’t you simply fucking elaborate at that point in time? Why? Because you needed time to think up a detailed and plausible explanation. If you are unsure of what you are saying then you better be prepared to sit there and explain yourself at the time of saying it. Either that or don’t fucking say it at all until you are prepared to do so.

      I’m tired of your shit. I’m tired of everyone’s shit. When you don’t do what people want or expect of you they accuse you of using them. Because that is the best way to get over the feelings of betrayal. Accusing. Pointing the finger. She’s selfish. All she did was use me.

      Give me a fucking break. I will post what the fuck I please however I please.

      Answering you only encourages your stupidity to return, but I felt obligated given certain bullshit you shat out on your keyboard this particular morning.

      This is the last response you will get from me regarding anything you post unless you so happen to manage to type up something even MORE retarded. If that’s even fucking possible. Given that you don’t make it an epic LeoVant-like novel, of course. Then I won’t bother unless I’m drunk. Maybe then.

        saturnword
        on said:

        blahr: January 28, 2010, 09:43:09 PM

        Yeah, I’m tired of your shit, too. Funny how that works, isn’t it?

        1. I clarified and explained myself, as I did, and would have further had I thought there was reason to, at the time. I don’t recall arguing right and wrong, rather that you misconstrued/misunderstood what I meant by what I said and why I said it. Moot point, regardless.

        2. Yes, you took from me. You have taken my privacy and used things I’VE written about MY life for what YOU’VE wanted. That’s not an accusation. It’s the truth.

        3. “I will post what the fuck I please however I please”. That’s not a very good argument against being selfish. It doesn’t matter, though. I don’t want to be used in any way, shape, or form for your selfish desires. Like it or not, that’s what it is.

        I also don’t see how defending my life and my privacy is retarded or stupid. You’re being childish.

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