So things are about to change for me one way or another.
I’m at this cross-road where I fuck up one way or another. But, at times like this, for some reason I can not let go of something T[redacted] said during his many long-winded rants. He alluded to me somehow displacing blame on him or my relationships with men going sour. Said that I did not assume guilt for what I do or have done.
I guess it bugs me to some degree given the fact that he took it upon himself to feel guilty for that shit at all. I mean, I remember why he took blame on himself for X[redacted] (though that wasn’t his fault really, shit happens), but the rest? No fucking clue.
And I can’t even begin to fathom why he would take blame for the A[redacted] aka [redacted] fiasco. Honestly, he acts like I sat there and told him or even alluded to all that shit being his fault. That wasn’t even the case at all. I do not understand why he would assume guilt for shit with D[redacted]. It took me aback when he mentioned that name in his rant.
It makes me realize how much he didn’t understand. I am the hardest on myself. Always have been.
I talked to A[redacted] yesterday. I have not had many people to talk to about my situation to help me. Sometimes we need some insight from those not involved in the situation. Someone older or wiser….or both. A[redacted] recommendation does not please me for several reasons. Main one is because it would be more selfish to take H[redacted] from his father than it already is of me for leaving.
D[redacted] not a bad man. Really. All he ever wanted was to be with his mother and I have been fulfilling that role or image for him. He had a fucked up life with many disappointments and it does hurt me that I am one of them. It is one of the reasons why I can not look at him or face him without some difficulty.
What did A[redacted] suggest? That I solve this via restraining order and then moving it into a domestic violence case. I’m not going to do that over a few trifle incidents. It would fuck up H[redacted] life more than just me leaving. But it disturbs me how I remind myself of my mother with what I said to her on the phone in regard to said incidents.
“It doesn’t matter. Nobody has the right to do that to you.”
Sounds like some shit from a self-help book. Where the world is perfect (meaning people react exactly as you want them to) and words can solve everything and people really DO change for the better. Sunshine and rainbows.
But maybe it’s true to some extent. Your life is your own. You’re special. You’re not expendable. Your worth is determined by you alone. Live for yourself. Do what makes you happy. Life is about happiness.
Right. Fuck the philosophy and the theory. I’m done with all that shit. Even if I do agree with what she said, I’m still not doing her plan.
Side-note: My post on machines was basically going to be a reflection on the definition of the “human” element. Ended up discussing it with Ben so I lost the desire to even make the post.